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11.23.2006

Let's see... Where to begin?

I've been really messed up, emotionally, recently, and it's all to do with a certain rather cute but rather frustrating boy named E. No, not ACTUALLY named E but... y'know. Anyway... I first met E through the Hd. No shock there, there are a LOT of really cool people at the Hd. I remember that every Wednesday I'd look forward to going to work because I'd see him. We'd always order food -- wings. I went through a wings phase because of him... now the thought of them isn't really appetizing... same with all of my other phases, I suppose.

Anyway, E. Summer vacation came perhaps all too soon and I found myself in DC with E in Taiwan. Talk about complete separation. I was really bummed, but he promised to write to me and sure enough we started talking via email for a little while. I ended up not responding in part because I'm a horrible penpal but also in part because I got tired of MB and her shit. Whatever, not really his fault, even if I am astounded that he would think that I would get along with MB. It really begs the question of whether or not he knew her very well, because she disliked me from the moment she set eyes on me, black clothes, bondage pants, nerdiness, and all.

That's not part of the story, really.

Fastforward through the summer and here I am, back at college again. And, oh look at that, E's back too. No more mention of the girl that he went out on a date with in Taiwan. Oh, god, that made me so very VERY jealous. I'm such a petty person. Instead, we start talking some more. I make a point of seeking him out at work. He makes a point of being at work when I am. Things are really going smoothly. We start going out on dates; he does things like bring me a plain bagel toasted with butter for my horrible, horrible 8am shift. Textbook smooth romance.

But...

We go to Toronto, to the concert. The entire time we're there I'm thinking to myself "Okay, If I don't get a kiss here, I'm NEVER going to get a kiss." Don't get me wrong, my weekend was WONDERFUL. It was one of the most fun weekends I've had in a really long time and I really felt like I connected with him... except... nothing happened. You have no idea how much this frustrates me, to make moves that I feel are so blatantly clear and get what I feel to be nothing in return. I'm not Asian. I'm not patient, and I'm not subtle. I need instant gratification. I don't want to wait around -- I loathe waiting with every fibre of my being. Yet, that seems to be all I'm doing with him. Waiting. Waiting for him to make a move in response to everything I'm trying, all of the advances I'm trying to make. Just... waiting.

I had been frustrated before -- I even got about the tipsiest I've gotten in a very long time one Tuesday night at Pxl because I just needed a stress break from E. I didn't get it, either, because he showed up at Pxl for all of five minutes, in which he not only pulled away from me but also rested his head against mine. Talk about mixed signals.

But I think the Toronto trip was the beginning of the end for me. After that I began to feel frustrated, resentful, at the way things were going. We'd go out on what I felt were dates -- and what I think he considered to be dates, too -- and then I'd come home and just feel utterly exhausted, both physically and emotionally. I feel like, when I'm with him, when I'm trying to be what he wants me to be, to keep trying to push the ticket, to keep looking and hoping for some sort of response from him, that I can never relax. I can be myself, yes, but the whole time I'm thinking 'does he like me? is he going to hold my hand? what if I do X? will he do Y? what if? should I?' It's nothing but constant doubt and self-anguish.

I got really frustrated. Really depressed. I'd cry after every date. Just, come in, close the door, and start crying because I was so exhausted and so frustrated with how things were going. I don't want a relationship liek that, I don't want something that requires so much WORK.

But, I'm not done yet.

One Friday night, after DDR, he asks if he can drive me home separately and talk to me. So he parks (so romantically) in the theatre parking lot. And he tells me he likes me (yay!) but that he couldn't tell if I liked him (wtf?!) but that he'd like to date me ( ... yay?). I told him what I thought I felt -- that I liked him too (true)
and I told him about Lee (awkward) and that I wanted to try things with him instead of Lee (I THOUGHT I meant it at the time).

Great. I even put my hand against his cheek, gazed at him adoringly. What does he do?

He stares at the driver's wheel.

You've got to be kidding me. I was so disappointed. Here he was, telling me he liked me, and he wouldn't even look at me. And to top it off -- to top the whole fucking disappointment off -- he didn't even fucking kiss me. Didn't. Fucking. Kiss me. What the hell?! Oh, wait. I got a kiss on the cheek. Oh, be still my racing heart! You've GOT to be kidding me.

I don't want someone who can't want me and act on it. That's all there is to it.

I cried so hard when I got back to my room that night. I couldn't feel more depressed. I felt like my entire body was just a mass, pressing down, weighing down like a ton of sandbags, icy cold and hateful. It was the worst feeling in the world. All I can remember is wanting to cry even harder than I was, that urge to just keep crying forever. And that overwhelming need to go home.

So I did, the next morning. I came home. Spent time with my family. Carved a pumpkin with my nephew. Sent E an email before I left saying that I wasn't going to be around, that everything was ok, but that I needed to go home for a ltitle while.

He emailed and/or messaged me every single day that I was at home.

What. The. Fuck. That's bullshit. When I say I need space and time, that means I need space and time. That doens't mean I want you to email me telling me that everything's your fault and you want to "apologize for yourself". What the hell is that? Why should you be apologizing to me -- to anyone -- for being who you are? Insecure bullshit.

So I get back on Tuesday night, after being home for three/four days, and he's waiting outside the Hd when I get off of shift. Fine, I'll give him that. He hadn't seen me, didn't press me for answers, great But on Weds he asks me out. HOW the HELL is that giving me my space? How?! I'd really like to know because that would clear up a whole shitload. I said no, of course. I actually did have a real reason -- I had a 10 page paper that I had to write and a whole day of outreach to do on Friday. I PROBABLY could have gone out with him and been ok, but I wasn't just making shit up either.

Friday rolls around. I've had two hours of sleep because I was finishing said (late) paper to turn in and because I had to get up at fucking 6 am to go do spider outreach at Auburn Elem until like fucking 4pm. That's like 8hrs of talking on my part. By the time I got back I was SO exhausted I was just in this haze of sleep-needing stupor. I literally sat in a chair at DDR and just stared at the screen, I was so tired. Everyone noticed -- and gave me my space.

Except E.

Oh, my dear, DEAR E. Of course it makes sense that once I stop making moves that you would make them me. No. I'm sorry. You were three weeks (maybe more...) too late. Maybe if you'd been a bit more forward like you were that night -- and have been subsequent nights -- I wouldn't be filled with such furstration and resentment. But the fact of the matter is that you didn't and I am now. And even more so when you corner me -- at DDR five minutes before set up and press me for answers.

Needless to say, I'm still pissed off about it. It was a REALLY shitty move, and I feel FULLY justified in being pissed, fo rseveral reasons. First and foremost, I was SO fucking exhausted. If he didn't se ethat, couldn't tell how serious I was and how NOT good of a time it was, then things DEFINITELY will NOT work out between us. Second of all, it was after I told him I needed SPACE. Third, he KEPT PRESSING for answers -- he wouldn't just let me talk about it on my own time! No! It had to be then. Fourth, it was SUCH an inappropirate place. For god's sake -- DURING DDR club?! What the?! What were you thinking?! Especially because I needed to clean up in like five minutes -- less.

I don't know what I said to him. Frankly, I don't care. He deserved the incoherent exhaustion babble for pushing me when I was in that state in that situation.

Throughout this entire time, I hadn't told Lee. Not a word. It's sort of funny -- and now that I think about it, really telling -- that it was almost... easy to tell E about Lee. But ... telling Lee about E... it made my stomach twist. Not because I felt like I had anything to hide form Lee, but because I love him so very, very much, that the thought of my own thoughtlessness causing him pain literally made me sick to my stomach. Of course, when I finally did tell him, he hardly even batted an eye, but that's my baby for you. God I love him.

E and I went on another "date" on that following Sunday. Talk about awkward. I didn't want him touching me because I was still pissed at him, and he kept making wierd half-advances, like he wasn't sure where to draw the line. And I'm sure he doesn't, because I haven't really been very helpful in that regard, but he's ... he's been so SHITTY about the whoel thing. It pisses me off.

He keeps doing this passive-aggressive bullshit that's really pissing me off. Like, avoiding me so I can TELL he's avoiding me but making a point of not COMPLETELY avoiding me so that I know he's avoiding me. God, that pisses me off.

And it pisses me off how he doesn't fucking listen to me. When I say "I need space" he emails me or txts me constantly. When I say "i don't want to talk about it" he keeps pressing me for answers. When I say "No, E, it's fine, it's not raining that hard, I don't need you to hold an umbrella over my head" he does so anyway, resulting in me not being on the non-muddy side of the path, resulting in me falling IN the mud and then having to sit, stewing in the grossness of this wet, smelly shit for the better part of the next three hours. I hate when people don't listen to me. It's just. Not. Cool.

And when he goes 'can we talk tonight?' and I go 'no, because I won't get done with stuff until late adn Is till have a LOT to do' and he goes 'great, tell me when you want to talk tonight," it only makes me LESS inclined to actually try and contact him to talk. Especially when he gives me a letter the next day that contains exactly waht I know it's going to contain.

But... I'm losing steam. That's a rant for another day. I'll leave you with some concluding remarks, however:

Fuck boys.

2.01.2006

It's times like these that I hate having a roommate. Here I am, bawling my fucking eyes out, and I can't even cry, I have to keep thinking be quiet, be quiet, don't wake Rina up, don't sniff too loud, don't blow your nose too loud, don't let her know how miserable and utterly shit-tacular you feel right then. I just wanna fucking cry about this.

Should I break up with him? I don't know. Maybe I should have in January. Now I'm hoping for March. HA! ... Right. Right... Even if I make ALL the fucking sacrifices, he won't or can't or something.... It's times like these that I hate myself for loving him so much. I can't even have fallen in love with a guy NEAR me that I could GO to. No. Just getting to SEE him has to be a fucking task and a half. How come? Yossi visited Rina CONSTANTLY. He lived half as far away, but still, he lived a long ways away and I he STILL managed to come visit her. How come I can't have that? It's not fair. It's not. Fucking. Fair. I just want to be and feel loved...

God, I hate love. Fuck this shit.

12.29.2005

So, I told you that wouldn't last long. What, two posts in two days then I go back to my random sporadic ways? Ah well. It's not like what I have to say is that important, anyway, and I tend to internalize a bit too much, I think. Like last night. Guess what? Not going to Canda.

Big.

Fucking.

Surprise.

I knew it was coming, really. I didn't actually think it'd be that.. easy. I don't understand why this is so hard. It's just me, coming up there. Why does everything have to get in the way? He doesn't think now is the "right time". Well, you fucking cunt, when WILL the RIGHT TIME be? Tomorrow? Next winter break? Next year? After I graduate? After I meet the guy of my dreams and then don't do shit with him because I'm waiting to see if YOU'RE the guy of my dreams (which I think you very might well be)? This isn't fair. It isn't fair what you're doing to me, and it isn't fair that this hurts so bad.

I'm so disappointed.

I was just starting to hope, you see. We were working out the details, even set a tentative date for me to come up. And then, this. FuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK!!! Why the fuck NOW?! And the worst of it is, I'm pretty sure he wasn't planning on me coming up from the very beginning. He didn't say diddly shit, though, and even went along with me as I made plans (note: I made the plans -- anyone see why I'm feeling like this is more and more one-sided?). That's what pisses me off. Not the most, but pretty damn close.

I don't know what to do now. I told myself that if this didn't happen, I needed to seriously think about ending it, because it was just getting too. Damn. Hard. And now it hasn't happened, and I'm stuck with THIS situation. I don't even know what to say to him. What CAN I say to him without screaming at him? It's not his fault... but I can't help but blame him. It wouldn't've been so bad, wouldn't hurt so bad now, if he'd just said something from the beginning.

I even went out on a limb and told my parents about him. Told them the TRUTH, too, just so that later, when things between us progressed, there'd be no misunderstandings or hiding on my end.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I went through this shit with Eric and I told myself I wouldn't wait for a guy anymore. I SWORE, I PROMISED myself that I wouldn't hover in limbo waiting. Maybe that's why I'm so angry. I love him so much and this is turning out

just

like

Eric.

Why can't I be happy for once, without my heart getting broken? Or at least, if it's going to be broken, can't I have some happy memories, some time with that joy, that thrill, to console me? What do I have? Words on a screen. A bunny. That's it.

I hate my life so much right now I could cry.

Oh wait, I already DID.

12.24.2005

Okay, he better have one fucking GOOD reason for NEVER FUCKING BEING ON.

I swear to the Goddess, this is getting SO. FUCKING. OLD.

12.16.2005

Welp.

There's another final I know I didn't do well on. And OH JOY, I get to take ANOTHER one tonight.

And fuck Rina and her goddamned going home before me. I'm sick of this shit. Don't try and tell me it'll be EASY, YOU'RE never around to do it!

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
So, I've decided that I'm going to try and write in here more often. I think I could use the time to reflect on my life, even if it's not quite daily. We'll see how long it lasts -- I've already typed THIS part of teh post up but because Windows SUCKS it restarted and thus, I have to start over from scratch.

I think I said something about how much M.M. sucks. Yes. Lots. I understand that he's very busy... but he always tells me how much he likes talking and RPing with me, yet he can't even be bothered to keep up a goddamned IM conversation with me. Instead, I get to wait 15 minutes for one fucking response, OR, my personal favorite, to wait for TWO HOURS for him to RANDOMLY IM me ONCE and then NOT reply to ANYTHING EVER again. And here I was thinking I'd actually get some RP. HAH! And then he goes and blows up at me for NO FUCKING REASON. He apologized, but he didn't have the balls to IM me about it. Instead, I had to fucking IM HIM and THEN he apologized.

Asshole. Fuckit. I'm not trying anymore. If he really does value me, he'll get off his ass and contact ME. I'm the one who swallowed her pride and the oath that I would NEVER EVER again talk to him because of what he did because I missed him and wanted to be friends with him again. He'd never have contacted me again if I hadn't initiated contact.

Grow some balls. If you're don't have the time to talk to me, tell me. If you don't want to ever MAKE the time to talk to me, fucking tell me so I can stop goddamn caring.

In other news, I missed a final tonight.

God I am such a fuck-up.

I can't believe how bad these last three weeks have been. I feel like I'm complaining to everyone and I never have anything good to say -- which isn't true, we did some really fun/cool/neat stuff, like go see Narnia and I got another tarantula. But it's been so full of stress I can't even BEGIN to describe it. Urrrgh. I just want to go HOME. God, I don't even want to do that. I just want to be DONE with this STRESS.

*sigh*

Anyway. It's almost 6am and I need to go get at least 6 hrs of sleep before my final.

God I'm gonna die.

12.15.2005

God. Looking at this blog you think that all I did was spend my time in fits of angsty love-caused torture. It's not true. It's just that I don't really have anyone else I can talk to about this in particular. Rina doesn't believe that I can feel this strongly about a guy I've never even met. And LK, the only other person I'd rant to about this, has enough problem. I don't want to be the one continually bitching about how much love sucks when the girl that he likes has a girlfriend and continually rubs it in his face. At least my crush likes me back.

I don't know what I'm going to do if he ends up not coming in January. It's getting SO hard....... Like tonight. I haven't seen him since fucking Monday but god could I really use talking to him. It's not fair. All I need is a little bit of conversation, and then he gets on and I'm having THE WORST WEEK EVER and he's just so... flippant about it. Doesn't even care how SHITTY I've been feeling. Not that he knows because he hasn't been on.

It's not all like this, really. He makes me so happy, I can't even describe it. And sometimes I just feel so loved that I want to roll over and explode into happy little sparkles of delight. It's the most amazing feeling. But it's hard, too. Especially times like now where, if I was close to him, I could seek him out and things would be fine. But I have to wait to get my comfort until HE gets on and I can't if he doesn't... It's not fair. It's just not fair. I want to be with him so much more than I actually am.

And the next two days are going to kill me. God, I'm so sick of life.

9.07.2005

I don't have time to do this, but I have to. I have a Physics homework due that I care nothing about and I have to eat but I have no appetite. My stomach is tied into angry, self-loathing knots. I'm mad at him, I really am. He chose to go to the movie over staying home with me, when I was upset. But who am I to be mad at him? Wasn't I the one who TOLD him to go? No, I said that because I didn' twant to be the girlfriend who threw a hissy fit and got her way and ended up being the girlfriend that sat, alone and miserable, and cried all night. I'd really been looking forward to it and now I won't get a chance to see him again for a while. I hate it. And I hate even more that I can feel this horrible over one stupid night over one stupid guy who I've never even met in real life.

Sometimes I wish I didn't care about him at all. Then it wouldn't hurt so much because lately all it seems like is he's been hurting me.

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